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Yep, so in about twenty minutes (my time, at the time of typing these words) I will be 40. So happy birthday to me! Here’s the interesting thing, and I don’t expect everyone to understand this. And feel free to skip this and just know it’s my birthday. Presents are nice. 
For those of you who don’t believe in God or divine anything or something beyond the everyday, this will probably just seem like coincidence to you. I prefer to think about it as God tapping me on the shoulder and telling me things are all right. I was feeling down – I mean, crying, tearful, sick-hearted – down the closer it got to my birthday. I didn’t expect it. Last month I was fine, and even two weeks ago I was fine. Shoot, I think even last week I was ok. But as it crept closer I just had a horrible case of the “I sucks” or something. Everything hit me at once: What I didn’t accomplish, what I didn’t have, my bleak prospects, the whole gambit. Single, never married, no kids – all of that garbage. And the reports saying I was out of time didn’t help either.
So feeling bad was an understatement. I didn’t even have the energy to cry – I just felt that bad. Do you know what it’s like when you feel *so* bad that you can’t cry? It’s a horrible feeling, and that’s my true depression. I usually am borderline depressive something, but tipping to the other side…really hurts. It’s a deep ache, like a deep pit with no light, and you’ve given up trying to climb out.
I can’t describe it.
And, ahah…it was funny, but a little depressing (moreso) when everyone wore black at the office to help me “celebrate.” Oh, and a black sign to commemorate the event. Argh. It was funny, I guess, but it didn’t do wonders for my mood at all. Coupled with the fact that a friend of mine really, *really* pissed me off today with something she did/shouldn’t have done, and it was a horrible capper to my day.
Well, I came home in a bleak mood. Very bleak. But two things happened that turned me around tonight. The first was my regular radio station that suddenly had some enlightening and uplifting teaching: “He’s not finished with you yet. Life’s just begun” type of a message. I nodded and took it to heart, receiving some comfort.
And then out of the blue my Aunt, who’s a hospital chaplain, called me up. Mind you, we talk like…once every few months and usually it’s because Mom’s talking to her and Mom passes the phone over to me. But this time my Aunt called *me* and said I was on her heart, and she really felt pressed to call me. And then she pretty much gave me the same encouraging message I’d heard on the radio, but more so. That she knew things were going to be changing for the better for me, and that life wasn’t over – it was just beginning. And so forth.
Now, maybe you can see it as coincidence, how they both came at the same time. And I could go deeper on what was said but in case you’re not religious, I won’t go there with you. Just suffice it to say that the depth that was there was beyond coincidence – and the timing of it was on point. To be quite frank, it felt as if the hand of God lifted my chin and told me to look up for my peace. I don’t expect everyone to understand that…but it doesn’t matter. 
So yes. 40…feels a whole lot better now. And I feel ready to meet the rest of my life. It’s not half over…it’s half begun.
Anyway, as I said before, here is my “private” list of things I’m planning for my 40th year. Things will be updated and crossed off as times and days change.
On with the sequel…not forty items, I’m afraid. 
1. Optimum health (for me: Mind, body, spirit)
2. Hold a dinner party/gathering
3. Decorate my house
4. Send a writing treatment to an agent
5. Create a small veggie garden
6. Travel to a place I’ve never been
7. Get involved with an art meetup and collaborate with a graphic artist (small indie work)
8. Reconnect with some family members
9. Take up running/join running club
10. Participate in a small 5K marathon
11. Finish the book I started last year
12. Write fiction every day and keep in a blog
13. Finish Masters
14. Start MFA and/or PhD
15. Give regularly to charities
16. Balance my budget two months in a row
17. Buy and wear a bikini
18. Buy one really expensive, cool dress with slinky shoes and purse to match
19. Get a true makeover and do a photo shoot…in the buff?
20. And anything else I can come up with that I dare myself to do.
And that’s my list for now.
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me…Happy Birthday dear 40 year old getting better not olderrrr…Happy Birthday to me!
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